The Idiot’s guide to Idiocy

    Long, long absence this time. A lack of inspiration seems to be my main problem for getting my thoughts out. There hasn’t been a single interesting thing/person  of note since my last post. Utter boredom. Just when I thought my mind was finally going on holiday, Japanese class starts again. Whee. Don’t get me wrong, I love class. The teacher is strange, but in a good way. Nothing interesting in class, which is good, since I’d be too distracted to absorb anything if there was someone ‘kawaii’ in it.

    I was asked once why I was taking the class, and to my own surprise, I couldn’t find an answer. I don’t think making new friends was ever a goal, I get real defensive around strangers. That’s not too bad, I can always force myself to interact and be polite but I also suffer mind-numbing, fear driven paralysis when introduced to anyone attractive. In turn, I do what every normal person does, find something to calm myself down. A crutch to take the edge off.  So I choose to be numbed out to the world, enough to act normal instead of running away screaming like a little girl whenever someone of the opposite sex even looks at me.

    Within these muted feelings towards the world, I have come to realize what I want in life. I just want to be surrounded by beautiful women, they don’t even have to know I’m alive. Just being surrounded by beauty. It’s enough to make me feel content. To be an observer. To watch the beauty around me, ever changing, through my glass window. I don’t need to participate, that ruins the illusion. Not that it’s hard to do mind you, it’s a relatively simple exercise in restraint. Why bother getting to know anyone? I consider ‘friends’ a threat. The closer someone is to you the bigger a threat they become. The greatest pain does not come from total strangers but those closest to you.

    Being an observer can still be disheartening, especially when there’s no beauty or grace around me to observe. I do get by with the occasional sight to brighten up my day, but that doesn’t really leave me with a feeling of true contentment. It has become a quest of sorts, the only driving force compelling me to crawl out from under my bed everyday and step outside. Maybe some day I will succeed in my personal quest to be surrounded by beauty and grace, but right now, I remain an observer without enough to observe, going to bed at the end of every day with a  feeling of discontentment, wishing for eternal sleep.